When you put personal things on the internet, they are no longer personal. For that reason, I am trying to censor my thoughts as I post daily. However, I feel like I’m doing myself an injustice. When I look back on this years from now, I want to be able to see my raw feelings. And if that means that I have to show them to the world (since I’ve never been an organized journalist), then so be it. Two days after I turned 24, the man who stole my heart decided he didn’t want me anymore. I could probably have handled just about anything, but he made it clear that I was no longer his first choice (or any choice for that matter). And I couldn’t handle that. We have a tumultuous past at best, so I feel like I should have been more prepared for this. But I wasn’t … the past few days have been all across the board. But I’ve made it to today. And today looks like this ….
“It’s a fricking rollercoaster!!!
I’m ok one day and wallowing in self-pity the next.
One moment I’m so mad at him I can’t see straight and the next I’m wishing he would call.
I’m losing my mind.
But I knew better.
I knew better.
I told myself to stay away from those blue eyes.
I know what they do to me.
I knew I would fall.
I knew it would hurt.
I wanted to believe that he could love me forever.
But I’m just not that kind of girl.
Joyce is hell bent on hooking me up.
So, I tested the waters last night.
I hunted down my most trusted DB’s.
And I did what it took to make them say nice things about me.
But it meant nothing.
I couldn’t even get my usual high.
Apparently, somewhere in the last 4 months, I changed. A lot.
I’ll be okay. But I don’t want anyone new.
I don’t even want the DB’s.
Oh I know there will be nights when they come in handy.
And I know there will be a time when I’m ready to feel those butterflies again.
But not now. Now, I don’t want anything except him.
Silly? Yes. Stupid? Hyeah!
But I won’t lie.
If I could figure out how to push his buttons, I’d do it in a heartbeat.
Even if it wasn’t real. Even if it wasn’t love.
I swear I said once that I didn’t want to be this girl anymore.
But that’s what I get for falling into those blue eyes once again.”